Dear Reader,
Welcome to part 3 of this doubtful journey. If you have missed Part 1 and Part 2, check them out! And stay tuned. More to come.
Love, Meg
And then there is Miriam. Miriam’s doubt is much less appreciated by God.
In the book of Numbers, Miriam and Aaron are concerned with Moses’s Cushite wife and speak up about it. However, the question they ask and are punished for concerns a broader topic: “[Aaron and Miriam] asked, ‘Has Adonai spoken only through Moses? Hasn’t He also spoken through us?’” (Numbers 12:3). They question the uniqueness of Moses’s encounter with God. Though in part it might seem as though Moses is being attacked here, it is God who argues back, not Moses.
Conspicuously, Miriam is the only one who is punished for this audacious question. And beautifully, it is Moses who calls out to God, “Heal her!” (Numbers 12:13). Does Moses agree with Miriam and Aaron, that they deserve more recognition or status? Or, is it precisely because they ask for this recognition that they do not deserve it? Is this self-assertion the thing that proves they are in fact not as close to God as Moses is – Moses who consistently doubts and challenges his own relationship to himself and to God.
It is important to note that Miriam is not doubting God but how God communicates and works among the Israelites. Moses does not seem to disagree. Have Miriam’s remarks made Moses reconsider his own initial resistance? Did he see himself again at the Burning Bush, consumed with persistent skepticism?
When God calls to Moses from the Burning Bush, Moses is overcome with questions. He asks, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and bring Bnei-Yisrael out of Egypt?”(Exodus 3:11). At the most basic level, God makes Moses doubt his very being. “Who am I?”
Am I enough of a Hebrew or too much Egyptian to do this? Am I the right guy for the job? Am I qualified enough? Who am I?
He is overcome with self-doubt, but not just of his abilities (yes, he wonders about his slowness of speech and how the plan might unfold). His question, “who am I?” is more simple and more cutting. Who am I? How does one even begin to answer that?
Maybe Moses is even wondering if this is God who is speaking to him at all. It was an angel who caught his attention from the bush and now a God who will barely tell Moses Her name is instructing him to return to a place where is he wanted for murder. Might it be that all of these questions are different ways of Moses saying, what is going on here? Who are you? Who am I? And maybe most importantly, are we who we say we are? How do I know you’re really God?
Back to Miriam. Miriam’s question is another way of saying what Moses couldn’t stop questioning at the Burning Bush: how is it that Moses has been drawn so near to God? Immediately after Miriam’s question, the Torah tells us that Moses was the humblest man on the earth. One could argue that Miriam’s question comes from a place of self-importance. She wants to be acknowledged for her proximity to God. Opposite from Moses, she questions in a way that intends to promote herself as opposed to deny or discredit herself. This doubt is met with anger and punishment from God. It is ironic that in claiming closeness God, Miriam is ostracized from the community. Yet, Moses also tries to approach too much; at the Burning Bush, he draws so close that God cries out, “Do not come closer” (Exodus 3:5). For God to accept the questions and challenges of Abraham and Moses, they have to first draw near. Yet they draw near, humbly, by challenging not only God, but themselves. Sarah doubts God’s decree and her own physical capacity. Miriam questions only God and not herself.
So, was Miriam punished for too much self-esteem? But it was Miriam who, according to the Midrash, saved Moses’s life and the lives of the Jewish people who had lost the will to live in Egypt! The devastating part is that she has a point – God also speaks through her. So why was she punished?
Perhaps God fears that Miriam’s question will distract Moses and make him once again doubt himself. Maybe God thinks that the Israelites cannot afford the paralysis that might ensue if Moses resists his role as he did at the Burning Bush. Or worse, maybe hearing Miriam doubting his unique place will confirm and strengthen his own anxieties. Then, to stop this from spiraling out of control, God makes Miriam a scapegoat. God charges her with speaking ill of Moses and thus she is punished with leprosy (kind of.. some sort of skin ailment), the punishment for evil speech (according to Rambam).
But why was her speech evil and not just another example of protest? God basically invites Abraham to disagree when discussing Sodom and Gomorrah. Why is Miriam’s protest different?
Perhaps God wants Miriam to not be so comfortable in their relationship. This is a face of God that wants more doubt than certainty, that would rather the people question their connection to God than take it for granted. This is a God who requires humility before protest and does not invite genuine and impassioned challenge but rather thoughtful and self-critical doubt.
Oof, not sure how I feel about that.
Before we dive into the last set of Torah stories, I want to pause and say that by now the project is clear. Doubt is alive and well in Torah.
Up until this point, however, doubt has been about God’s capacity and not so much of God’s existence. Though I touched on the possibility of Moses doubting the voice he hears from the Burning Bush, that text does not fully support a reading of an outright denial of God’s existence by Moses.
But consider that Moses stumbles upon the Bush as he is minding his own business. Moses does not sit and write theology and conclude with the Burning Bush. He sees something marvelous and wonders: “Moses said, ‘I must turn aside to look at this marvelous sight; why doesn’t the bush burn up?’” (Exodus 3:3). Only after Moses wonders and “turns aside to look” at the marvelous sight does God call out to him, “Moses! Moses!” “Here I am,” (Exodus 3:4) Moses says, and he draws closer.
It was Moses who approached the Bush first. Yes, it was a miraculous sight. But it was Moses who drew near – with a question! – before God called out to him.
And what if prior to the Burning Bush, Moses had sat down, written some theology, and concluded that God is dead or God is this or God is that. Would he have missed the Bush? Would he have seen the flames but not the miracle and tried to put out the fire?
The Burning Bush is found, not sought after, as Martin Buber wisely suggests: “In truth there is no God-seeking because there is nothing where one could not find him.”
So then, the question is not, do you believe in God or have you chosen to believe in God? Rather, the question to ask is, have you stumbled upon the Burning Bush and allowed yourself to wonder and draw near?
Sources:
Buber, Martin. I and Thou, trans. Walter Kaufmann (New York, NY: Simon and Schuster, 1970) 128.
Mekhilta de-Rabbi Simeon bar Yohai6 [ed. Epstein-Melamed, p. 6]; BT Sotah 12a; Pesikta Rabbati 43, from the following article accessed online: Tamar Meir, "Miriam: Midrash and Aggadah," Jewish Women's Archive, https://jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/miriam-midrash-and-aggadah, accessed April 20, 2018.